An Epistle to Mum

Dear Mum,

Greetings from the city of Lakes! I sense a perplexed expression on your generally calm face and a racing heart beat this very moment. Your mind and heart both wondering, why I chose to write this letter and pin it on my blog rather than talking to you directly over Graham’s invention or well… face to face. The reason is quite straight and yet quite fuzzy. Probably when I end this Epistle… you and I… and all those people who shall read this understand - why.

Remember our first tryst twenty –five years ago when I was resting in the dark room filled with warm gooey liquid? I laid there crouched with my eyes closed; experiencing weightlessness; munching pulverised food; smiling to myself in sleep occasionally yawning and kicking the wall. I don’t remember much of how the hibernation went but when I came out with all body parts in right numbers, in right size, fixed in right places, functioning the way they should, I knew I was taken care with utmost love like the male penguin… no matter how harsh the winter was. You had a purpose of putting up with the winter… and I know... it was your abdominal bump.

I remember the early morning routine in KG… the way you brushed my teeth; combed my hair and got me ready for school as I sat in the dining room half sleepy. I remember the yoga sessions on holidays and weekends… I remember the way you plucked the chicken together with Dad and the delicious ice-creams you made; the TV shows that we watched together; the outings to Kaundeniya and Joydeep’s house and the occasional visit to the Didi’s house across the street. I remember going to dance class and complaining of cramps; I remember going to Hindi tuition and learning Bengali instead. Mum… I also remember the high decibel animation and not so happy faces, your burnt fingers and swollen eye… the memories of which still makes me cry.

I remember the way you came to my school before exams to complete my notes… the way you made me write each answer thrice so that I pass my final exams! I remember making you angry when I lied to you, escaped my studies and made your life a little more troublesome… I remember the time when you scolded me… punished me and hit me with whatever you found next…

Mum…. I remember the way you juggled job and house work… working round the clock like a machine in a factory… Just like a doctor who says “You got to stay in bed when you are sick” and yet he himself is in the clinic when sick… you carried on with your chores, tolerated our tantrums… and ignored your honeycomb bones, miniscule but fatal gall bladder calculi, migraine, spondilitic pain and that endless list…. You ignored them ‘coz we and frankly speaking me did not leave you any choice.

Pic source: gouk.about.com

Yesterday when you laughed at me… got angry and kicked me… I felt like a baby giraffe that is kicked and sent flying minutes after it’s born… I then did not understand the mother giraffe. 

Today…I do. 

When you share our family’s stories… and neighborhood talks… I know you want me to understand the people, their attitudes, their motives… so that I grow emotionally strong. When you tell me to learn household chores and also do my job well, I know you want me to be the best at home and at work… so that I can escape the hunter critic’s eyes. When you tell me “look be like her… be like him” … I know you want be to polish myself… so that I can make the best of the single shot at life I have…. Mum… I know you want the best for me… I have heard you pray for me… I have seen you cry with me… I have felt you feel for me…

Mum… No words can do justice to the inner feelings I have for you… but to put it across in the best way… I might appear as selfish… but Mum… When the day comes when Lord decides that he cannot sustain me anymore on this earth… I wish to take my last breaths lying in your lap with your arms wrapped around me just like when I was born.

I Love You Mummy….

-Your emotionally challenged Daughter

PS: I wish I could be your best birthday gift ever..!!

L.I.F.E: The Sine Wave

I stand behind the bars gazing into the hypnotic world on the other side… clutching the rusted iron… conspiring an escape with my soul… waiting to experience the world on the other side… waiting for the moment of joy.... the moment of freedom....

I saw this pic on the web few days ago…. I was so moved that I reproduced it right away. (Original by Shukri Abu Baker). Though this was symbolic to his days in prison.... I saw a it completely different. Look at the hand…. It emotes the person’s desire to get out of the closed doors … be out in the open and be free like the birds that touch the sky… free like the animals that run wild… not bothering the safety… not bothering Darwin’s theory… not bothering anything until… out in the wild and ironically fighting to find shelter and food that were once free....

Doesn’t this remind you of the sine wave? If I had to graphically represent life… then sine wave it shall be. I mean think about it…

1. The grass is greener on the other side.

When at A, point B looks attractive. When at B, point C looks attractive. When at C, point D looks attractive. When at D, point E looks attractive and when at E………………………….

When I was months old and mom put me in a cradle… all I did was fantasise about playing with the toys that were lying in the room… strategizing a cradle break by crying and waiting for  mom or dad to come get me out. When I was out of the cradle and a year old just learning to walk… all wanted is my mom or your dad to hold me strong even though I and your parents knew I could do without. The pressure of walking a foot without falling was tremendous. When I had learnt to run and mom wanted to contain me in front of her eyes so that I don’t get hurt or ill, all I wanted to do is run outside and play. A bruised knee, a runny nose, dirty hands and elbows did bother me much. The saga doesn’t end there for all you know.

Look how hard and long we work to get on the other side.... do you realize here... we stay there only for a short while... 

2. The Reprising incidents 

Lost time never comes back they say.... but moments repeat like a never ending drama.... It starts on a smaller scale... like the cell division...and goes on to much larger scale.. larger than life itself... sometimes spreading over generations...! For example....The way you look at your parents now is the way your children will look at you when they reach this age you are now. The only difference.... is X.... the displacement.... the point at which you are... at the moment when the moment itself repeats. .

For every soul on this earth and galaxies far off, the present always seems confining no matter how rosy it is… the future always seems rosy no matter how uncertain it is. If one side the grass is green… the other side it’s clean. The plus point you ask of this sine wave?? You are always inching your way forward X2 never smaller than X1... The only thing hindering you…. Is getting the correct wavelength and amplitude (people and attitude) in your life…Have them.. cherish them... nurture them...and life shall  resonate at its best....perpetually......!!

My Corporate Fling-The story so far

Scene-1: Take-1: Location-Home

There I was… waiting for the postman to deliver me my letter of independence…financial independence, that is. Little did I know that the financial independence wasn’t any free ride! Anyhow, I waited…waited and I waited a little more…until our monthly calendar at home changed 6 times…!! The wait was ummm…to be frank like layered Lasagna from top to bottom.

Initially it was awesome like the gorgeous, heart pounding melting cheese. My family and of course me rejoiced that I cleared campus placement and got into a PSU. The fact that I was home after a long time may have also contributed to the smile OK please moment. As the days passed quickly like a sonic…family and friends had just one question for me… “When is your joining??” Ok two questions… “When will you receive the joining letter??”.. No hi. No hello… jus those two questions. It seemed like a complete mash. When will I get my call? Where will I be posted? What am I doing with my life? Where am I headed with this waiting? Is it ok to wait or shall I look for opportunities? Blah… Blah… With my heart & mind “minced” and me grounded (but without the spices), left my lasagna quite bland. Then, the time came when I hit the pasta sheet…the wall…the blank wall! I was frustrated and just about to do something drastic, take a hasty decision of what to do with my career and all…. NOT surprisingly enough, I was back to Blah Blah-ing… When I got frustrated again, the blank wall stared me back.

I thought that’s it Divya… time to clear the dishes… and mind, but I was halted with a suspicious door bell piercing through my ear drums. I opened the door and there he was smiling at me…I saw what was in his hand; I saw the BIG BOLD letters conspicuously placed on the white envelope… It read the name of the company I was to join. I was thrilled…I was amazed…I looked up and said to my Lord…U surprise me…every single time! And that’s when all the hidden spices came rushing back to my pallet. Burp!

Finally, the day had come when my 6 month long wait ended and I was supposedly going to be financially independent…. “What’s all this mess?” asked mom as she entered my room… “Packing” I said…as a matter of fact. “Haven’t you packed your stuff yet?” – asked dad for the tenth time as he followed mom into my room. “Well, it’s almost done” I said…looked around at the mess…and thought Oh man! I am doomed..!! Shifting stuff from one bag to the other to get everything in order and counting the number of bags and baggage was one hell of a task. Mom kept wondering which sari she would wear on the day of my joining and which for the sight-seeing while she helped me get all the stuff I need to pack for my new living…

Smile OK Please....
Image Source: Imagoinc.wordpress.com; 

That night I dreamt a different dream, a dream which probably was the best dream till date…the dream that seemed like conquering a mountain peak. Little did I realize I was soon to be woken up…

Scene-2: Take-1: Location-The city of lakes

Having been a nomad for last 24 years of my life, shifting to a new place, meeting new people, staying at a PG wasn’t a big deal. But now, I do not represent just me and my family, but the company I work for and of course my college too! The accountability of your actions increases manifold when you are into the corporate world. Now this was a task. At a place where both vertical and horizontal hierarchy is an important aspect; turn-around time is a time bomb ticking away…being alert like a hunter on the go is critical. It’s a situation where your every move, every expression is captured on a CCTV like eyes. One wrong move and you have plenty to suffer from those who are right. One right move and you still have plenty to suffer from those who are wrong. Since, right and wrong are just two relative terms, it even makes it harder and requires more courage to fight hierarchical barriers to do what you think is right. I noticed…and I am sure you too have…that this is true not only in the corporate bubble but also in a space scanned every day and night by the Hubble.

Image source: veryhilarious.com

I found an interesting picture of corporate hierarchy on the internet… it sums up the entire corporate equation in just one snapshot…The person who made this collage must be one darn smart person frustrated with the smell emanating from the corporate corpus.

Financial Independence was my motivation to be here and I did achieve it. The educational loan is being re-paid part by part too. The last time I asked for currency from home was when I needed some cash to go home for few days. I was a little short after all the shopping, rent, loan installment, food etc. The point here is…and why I am bugging you with this post of mine is…though I have achieved some financial independence, gained an experience that my college provided only through books, made new contacts…corporate contacts that is, saw and experienced life that I hadn’t in the last 24 Years put together! … Something was missing…

Life IS essentially good. But every night as I sleep, I have only one thought in my mind…is this how it was supposed to be? Is this what I was supposed to do after studying how the DNA in our cell worked and how Mr. Kotler would market his products. Is this the sole purpose of my life-to be financially independent? Is battling hierarchy a screen test or life itself? Is making an impression more important than expressing myself? Is letting myself be driven by the passion too tough? Or is finding the passion is a much heavier task? The questions are plenty…the answers are few. The opinions are plenty…the help is rarely due (to me).

Today, as I write this post, the questions still linger. But then, I have one thing with me that’s getting stronger and stronger with each passing moment… and that is BELIEF…in me…and in my savior above. Five years down the line, will I be a manager sitting at my desk picking at my subordinates or will I be doing a pop soda-surprisingly and refreshingly different or defending my nest like a cave woman? The answer to it was easy at the interview… but in reality is locked away for now. All I know is…I love surprises…even if I did not…my savior does…and I am game for the game.

Scene-3: Take-1: Location- God Knows Where!

One word. Legen...dary!!

Marriage: A vow of love..intimacy and togetherness

Pic source: americanbedu.com

Like the cricket team that starts to play only in the last 5 overs, I write this only in the last lap of my bachelorhood... Yes.. I confidently state " last lap of my bachelorhood" 'coz  I see it coming and I see the horizon of transition of being a Mrs. exemplifying the Doppler's Effect..! As I begin this post, my mind is full of non-co linear dots which.. hopefully I'll be able to connect at the end to form a beautiful 3D picture....

You know..being struck by the marriage lightning bolt .. and pressing L at least once daily on FB wall that is filled with engagement/marriage/honeymoon/cute baby pics or any such status updates ..I am reminded of few random moments from my life.....and m sure at some point or the other it happened to you too....

1. That one soft focus and background blurring look from the one who tingles ur brain and heart beat racing.....

2. That debate over Live-in and Marriage where Marriage won and seemed practical.. but Live-in got the maximum whistles....

3. That joke where arranged marriage is said to be synonymous to murder while love marriage is to suicide...

4. That scribbling of FLAMES at the back of the notebook... even on bench....

5. That determination to understand Life Sciences-II....

6. That time when you giggled just because you got to know or saw your friend wears a brassiere or CK underwear with RED band...or well.. just about anything......

Those were the times when the word marriage itself brought a wide grin ... and we did not know.. marriage was more than .. just a baby manufacturing system (BMS)...As we grow... as I grew.... I learnt that the SOP (statement of purpose) of marriage is quite not just BMS... but much more... and for that much more to have a good sync... n no. of variables and dimensions are to be taken care of... If age.. height.. weight.. complexion.. health are one thing... the educational qualification...family background...job are another.. and lifestyle issues and home-talents..(for girls esp. *Unlike*) .. are yet another dimension.... with so many variables... it almost seems like there should be an algorithm to solve the mystery of the best glove-hand fit..... and yes how can I forget the CAPITAL R's....Region..Religion and Race... (*Unlike*)...

Even if all these things are worked out.. the human behavior sync is the 5th hurdle... the gal-boy thing... the relativity of human behavior with worldly situations etc etc...Being fortunate enough to have studied in a co-ed and a weak sex ratio country... the difference between pinks and blues are not so alien to me.. Yet .. my Mother being protective as always advised me a book on the same matter...  which still remains un-opened for now..... 

I am puzzled at times coz.... in our country... just when a guy or a gal successfully clears the confusion and curiosity over puberty and starts settling with college and job.. the entire family .. that is including the extended family and friends begin googling for the perfect glove or the hand as the case may be. The chaos and tense atmosphere surrounding this inevitable run-through is more insane than a job search...but then.. it is no greater tornado that spins in vitro the guy or the gal to accept the simple fact...This is it..!!  Its time..... Also uncertainty of the future hits you hard... and.. in marriages.. I was told.. once committed.. its like till death do us apart.....!! Its like eating vanilla ice-cream for rest of your life.. may be occasionally discovering the hidden nuts and chocolate chips....

If you have already found your soul mate by yourself... great... go ahead... tell it to your parents.. after all they insist.. they too are your friends....and if you had kept their "criteria" of perfect fit in your mind and then Googled yourself a partner... awesome... wait a minute... your story... is gonna be legen...wait for it..darryyy..!!But if you did NOT keep the criteria in mind... then you are doomed... either you attend your communication skill classes well and work it out.. or do the filmy love saga...or just forget it... its NOT gonna happen..In case you have not found yourself one.. then no problem... your parents will be all the more pleased to help you.... and in case you decide to let go your love coz you don't wanna hurt you families... its gonna be tough to tame the tornado....

The bottom line in any case and at any stage however remains the same.... to find a mate that not only respects you.. cares for you ..gives  u ur space..and syncs with you... but also puts a smile on your face each day..each night.. in whatever small way...so that when you sleep you can say to yourself.. yeah... that's the best decision of my life... so that you can tell him or her... "marrying you was the awesomest thing I had or ever could do in my life.."... After all you can hop jobs... but not lives....

Having said all this... I now declare.. I too am under the Google radar... surviving the tornado with hopes in my heart...just as my future companion...waiting for each other to be discovered...by each other of course.. in this vast ocean of human population..so all you friends... don't be surprised if one day your FB wall displays my cover photo of wedding rings... :)

An Affair with Love

Love is blind,

Love is deaf,

Love is actually all senses de-clined;

It makes you numb,

It makes you pricky,

Love… in fact makes you look quite dumb!

Love is a hero,

Love is a coward,

Love is actually a Cardiac Jell-O;

It makes you laugh,

It makes you cry,

Love… in fact makes you a half n half!

Love is a game,

Love is a feel,

Love is actually an ECG never the same;

It makes you to trust,

It makes you to betray,

Love… in fact makes your mind rust!

Love is a hallucination,

Love is a reality,

Love is actually a late realization;

It makes you strong,

It makes you weak,

But in the end… makes you LIVE long!

                                                                                                             -Divya  Boddu

An Ode To My F.R.I.E.N.D.....

My friend… a dynamic person nd a filthy rich,

I call her something that rhymes with WITCH…

Sometimes treating me like kid with bloomers,

And sometimes… herself making hilarious bloopers…

With little bit of awesomeness nd little bit of drab,

She amuses me and makes me run like a crab…

Adventure loving and a nature freak,

She will do anything for a steak…

Sometimes innocent, sometimes full of attitude,

Now you know her Ritcher’s magnitude…

Loves to catch up with strangers and distance friends,

That’s how crazy she usually trends…

Like a dog that chases its own tail,

She chases her own holy grail…

 Until she’s dizzied nd drops on the floor,

With her paws pointing at the heavy door….

Oops…! But not to worry, not to cry,

She is not out, but just a little dry…

 My Friend…her other name is Life, nd She shall rise again,

With little bit of sunshine & little bit of rain…

Sometimes dazzling me with a colourful rainbow,

And sometimes numbing me with white snow…

With little bit of morality & little bit of sin,

She shall stun me yet She shall make me grow within…

                                                            

                                                                                        -Divya Boddu